You ever have one of those days that every single thing just seems to go wrong? I know you have, so no need to respond. Well, today was that day for me.
I’d have to say it actually started yesterday at around 11p when I tried to crawl under my covers and fall asleep. Little did I know that the universe had other plans for me. One of my neighbor’s, though I don’t know which, has this car with a really obnoxious alarm system. On a normal day, a car alarm will go off once and the owner quickly silences it because nobody wants to be the asshole with the loud alarm. Last night this thing went off easily 3 times an hour for the entire night. It would sound for close to 5 minutes before cutting itself off and then, almost without fail, within 10 minutes and as soon as I was beginning to drift off to sleep once more the damn thing started blaring again. I tell you what, if it happens again, I’m going down there and marking the car for towing. Ridiculous.
I’ve always been a big fan of sleep – probably because I’ve also always been a really poor sleeper – and since my health issues have started to get all weird, I’ve become an even bigger supporter of the sleeping cause. So when I don’t get enough, I feel it. Today I felt it in the form of a migraine I had even before I woke up. How do I know I had it before I even woke up? Because I had a nightmare in which I was being stabbed repeatedly in the head in the location of my migraines. Talk about a very unpleasant way to wake up. It also made me stumble around drunkenly and confused for a while until I got my bearings and arrive 5 minutes late to work. Oy.
At work, the migraine came and went throughout the day. When it came, it was intense and fast as lightning and caused mild shakes, spots in my vision, runny nose, and intense pain. When it went, I felt okay. I’ve had migraines for so long now, and at one point so frequently, that I learned ways to pretty effectively hide what’s going on inside me so people don’t look at me like I’m completely insane (I can get some pretty weird ticks when I’m in the throws of a migraine). This tends to make them last longer, but it also tends to let me get on with it. This isn’t always a good thing though because if people don’t realize what’s going on, they are more likely to misunderstand your words and actions. Needless to say, that happened today – and over the smallest thing that would normally be highly inconsequential. I’m upset by it, not in the “I’m so angry” kind of way but more in the “I thought you knew me better and understood what I’m like” kind of way. I try my darnedest to be extremely accommodating to everyone all the time and rarely refuse anyone anything (unless it’s something beyond my abilities, reason, or safety), so having my actions interpreted as such kinda hurt my feelings. If my counter-request is not to your liking, please let me know. I always say I’m not a mindreader because, the truth is, I’m not.
While at work I noticed one of the diamonds had, quite literally, fallen out of and gone missing from my brand new, very shiny, engagement ring. Needless to say, this pretty well upset me. I know how much John spent on it, I was sitting right there when he paid for it. I know how we waited a month for it to be all finished because of the customization we did. I also know how I couldn’t stop looking at the darn thing (even though I’m mildly embarrassed to admit that). So to have to take it to the jeweler and say “Ummm… fix this” and lose it for another month, pisses me off. I’m not sure what exactly was wrong with the setting to make that happen, especially since I only wore it for the sum total of a day and a half before the little bastard went missing, but these rings are, in theory, supposed to last forever and with as much money as you spend on them I think they really should.
The fact that my stomach is a fuster cluck is really nothing new at this point, but when I have 2 solid days of eating super healthy to try and balance out the insanity of a week spent away, I’d really hope my stomach would repay me with kindness. Yeah, it hasn’t. Since roughly lunch time today, my stomach has been having its own private showdown with the rest of my body. I’ve felt nauseous or bloated or crampy or any number of other stomach weirdnesses as the day has gone on and it’s driving me up a wall. Yes, I know my gallbladder is having a bad life and wants me to have it forcibly taken from my body sooner rather than later and, yes, I know that means my whole GI system is in disarray, but I’ve been so good. Darn it!
I also learned the very basic results from all my lab work recently and it has my mind boggling too. While they still can’t point to one definitive disease process as most things fall “within normal ranges,” they can say that I have an abnormal inflammatory process going on in my body that points to an otherwise unknown autoimmune disorder. After doing a very quick jaunt around the interwebs I discovered that this could mean any number of things. Um, scary. But I also learned that it could be related to my gallbladder. If my gallbladder has been failing for a long time without me realizing that’s what was going on (I have IBS so I very well may have confused dying gallbladder with it), then it could be causing my body to illicit these autoimmune responses and attack itself. Lovely how that happens, isn’t it? You know what though, I’m secretly hoping that’s what it is. I’m hoping my body got a little crazy with anger at me for not realizing my gallbladder was failing and it wasn’t just another bought of IBS and decided to attack the rest of my insides to show its displeasure. You know why that is? It’s because, if that’s the case, with a cholecystectomy and a few months of babying, my body might actually start to get back to normal and I can feel like a human again.
The one thing that I think probably made my day worse than any other thing out there, however, was this: I opened my mail. Yeah, doesn’t sound like much, right? Wrong! Medical bills started to arrive today. And boy oh boy, when those guys show up to the party, they like to make a big old scene. Hello, bill asking me for $3000 dollars after my insurance portion. Hello, another bill demanding $600 for just anesthesia. Oh, is that you bill that wants $2000 because my insurance company is too stupid to realize that you should probably print the right damn member number on the insurance card so the hospital can bill you properly? It is?! Nice to see you again. I mean, I only get to see you every other time I go to the doctor because my insurance company is staffed by incompetent morons, but it always feels like it has been so long. Thankfully my older sister has a lot of knowledge about the inner workings of medical insurance providers (because of her own fight with such nasty medical bills) and has offered to sit down with me and help me figure out what the heck is going on here. You see, I was under the impression medical insurance deductibles worked in such a way that, once you hit that amount, you were okay beyond that for everything except copays for doctor visits and prescriptions. I guess I was misinformed. But, that doesn’t surprise me since the person who did that misinforming no longer has her job because she was so bad at it. Le sigh.
With all this going on, I really want nothing more than to climb in to my bed for a week and avoid all human contact because I know that it’s going to affect my mood and my outlook on life. I know that I’m going to feel sad and tired and worn down. I know I’m going to cry at the drop of the hat (because I was already crying while getting chastised via text message earlier). I know that since father’s day is coming up and the radio and stores and people won’t stop reminding me about it, I’m already feeling primed for a good old emotional outburst of sobbing. I know that my bed, free of cellphones and computers, is really the best place for me right now. But, that is seriously not an option.